April 1, 2008 Volume 1 Issue 1 (past issues)

McDonalds Sues PW over Hamburgler Logo Infringement

Fast food giant McDonalds filed a trademark infringement suit with Boeing's Phantom Works research division after a PW employee wearing the signature "phantom" t-shirt was spotted dining in the downtown Kent, WA restaurant. "What's next?" barked an angry McDonalds lawyer, "Ronald, Grimace, and Mayor McCheese?" (more)

Boeing Accidentally wins the Ark98 Proposal

Contracts received a surprise award notice from the federal government today to the tune of $2.3 M for winning the Ark98 Proposal that may have been accidentally submitted leftover materials from an ethics training module. "I didn't even know they were bidding that program," ethics training specialist Gary Humbridge told reporters. (additional details on the award

CRAD/direct-work Popularity 8-ball Developed

The Boeing board of directors unveiled today a new CRAD/direct-work Popularity 8-ball that can simplify the decision-making in whether or not CRAD capture is a hot scorecard item. (more)

SecureBadge tied to Conference Room Chairs

Boeing employees no longer need to spend the first ten minutes of each meeting adjusting the 16 variable settings available on the new style of conference room chair. Their personal chair preferences will be stored on the smart card embedded within the SecureBadge, and simply inserting the badge into the chair's card reader slot causes the application of the various settings.

5-15s Renamed to 0.5-45s

In an effort to more accurately identify employees activity reporting, director of human resources Gerald Benson proposed renaming the reports, "Instead of taking 15 minutes to prepare and 5 minutes to review, we've found that reporting actually takes at least 45 minutes to prepare and are reviewed on average 30 seconds by management personnel." (more information on the updated reporting guidelines)

InstantPunishment to Counter InstantRewards Program

The Rewards and Recognition team today announced a new InstantPunishment award system to balance the InstantRewards system. Employees caught playing solitaire, surfing the web, carrying on lengthy phone conversations with loved ones, and checking non-Boeing email accounts may now face fines that are automatically applied through payroll deduction. The new Shame@Boeing system was immediately praised by a finance focal who wishes to remain anonymous, "the fees collected by the new InstantPunishment system will more than pay for the rewards expenditures and financial deficit created by payday donuts, not to mention the cost of the free coffee and tea." To access your InstantPunishments list of offenses, click on the new "Shame@Boeing" section of the TotalAccess system.

Scientists Uncover Link Between ETS ID and Login Name

After 7 years studying the problem, quantum field theory mathematician James Choi PhD finalized his equation that accurately translates a standard employee login name with the cryptic Employee Timekeeping System's login ID. "The seemingly incomprehensible string of letters and numbers are actually derived from an ancient form of lattice chromodynamics," Choi stated in a press conference following his breakthrough discovery. The discovery is expected to help finance representatives make the ETS system more user friendly. "For example," Choi postulates, "soon we will be able to provide textual captions that describe activity IDs and directly link activities to their corresponding IWAs or CWAs so that employess actually stand a chance of surviving a labor audit."