APRIL 1, 2015 VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1 (past issues)
Old Asguard Name Sold to Underwear Company
The former company name “Asguard” was sold to an underwear company with undisclosed terms. The clothing maker plans to use the “assguard” brand for an upcoming product launch and seeks to avoid brand confusion between the names “asguard” and “assguard”. Visitors to the former asguard.com website will be automatically redirected to the soon-to-be-launched assguard.com domain. “We’re really excited about having the new name, and the secure comfort our product launch will offer customers,” reported marketing director Brent Fanilly.
New Assguard PetWorks line of canine diapersAdditionally, the unnamed underwear maker plans to expand into the pet clothing market with a new Assguard PetWorks line of canine diapers. The new doggy diaper line promises to save owners from toting around plastic feces bags when going for walks.
Limited Edition Gold-colored Beast Mode HIPswitch Announced
A special HIPswitch model 412 was recently announced to honor the Seahawk’s NFC championship victory. The 412 will feature gold case coloring along with a special “Beast Mode” capable of utilizing Intel’s RapidAssist technology to burst packets during periods of heavy traffic load. A special blue and green LED combination celebrates the team colors. “We expect demand to be high for these new units in Pacific northwestern states, but maybe not for east coast rival states,” commented Sally Winston in regional sales; “Beast mode really can make bursty networks more secure, without much performance sacrifice.”
HIP Workshop Confuses Local Elderly Population
Local elderly patients were confused Saturday when they showed
up at TN-sponsored HIP workshop. The workshop was meant to introduce
network engineers to Host Identity Protocol (HIP) concepts, but
apparently a flyer was mistaken and posted at a local nursing facility.
“I came to learn about hip replacement options, but instead they
went on and on about this encryption gobbly-gook,” one elderly
man commented. “At least they had free
Trash Can Consolidation Program Enacted
Tempered enacted a trashcan consolidation program where each set of four cubes will share a single wastebasket. The move encourages a green office environment, promising to reduce waste by as much as 75% and cut down on the custodial workload.
Abe Wins Hugo Award for README File
Best Novelette was accidentally awarded when Abe’s README file was sent to an incorrect email address. Abe had written the document to orient new hires and contractors on how to build and provision new network appliances. “I knew right after I hit send that I had cut and pasted the wrong email,” he commented, “but imagine my surprise when the World Science Fiction Society actually read this thing and thought it was science fiction.” Company leaders tout the functionality the TN solution provides as almost “the stuff of science fiction”, but the dramatic writing and subplots not normally found in engineering documentation probably contributed most to the decision.
5 more Jeff's Join the Company
Across sales, marketing, and engineering, five more employees having the first name “Jeff” were added to the Tempered Networks team. “Things are gonna be pretty confusing at first,” one of the new hires remarked, “already we’ve given the HR manager quite a scare with mixing up the onboarding paperwork.” Others employees commented that they view this as a welcome change, because there are fewer names to remember.
Developer Shirts Available
Now available in the Tempered Networks Store -- scrum-meeting-inspired t-shirts. Durable, lightweight soft fabric, poly/cotton blend, order in a variety of sizes.
Logo Signature File Changes 7 More Times
Mailing List Created to Track Updates
As the business brand
evolves to address challenges of the ever-transforming cybersecurity
landscape, the company logo and signature line used in emails has had
to keep pace. Different icon elements have been tried, along with color
combinations that best capture the essence and function of the Tempered
solution. (read more)
Neighboring Law Firm Drops Suit Over Ping Pong Table Noise
After being introduced to a few rounds on the new foosball table, the law firm in the adjacent office space decided to drop its lawsuit originally filed because of the noise from the ping-pong table. “Since we’re lawyers, we can sue whoever the hell we want,” one of the neighbors remarked, “but once we found out what was going on over here we decided to bury the hatchet.” At one point the ping-pong table was set up in a room sharing a wall with the law firm’s main conference room, but has since been relocated. Now the two organizations have arranged an “entertainment exchange” where law firm employees can freely use the ping-pong and foosball tables and Tempered employees can visit the firm’s chess and checkerboard tables.
Tempered Wins Small Business Gong Award
The Tempered Networks
gong has been recognized by the Northwest Gongological Society (NWGS)
with its Small Business Gong Award. Gongs are annually rated for size,
clarity of sound, resonance, and skill of the striker. The Tempered
gong installed at the beginning of 2015 has since heralded several
significant accomplishments. “This year we’ve visited many
small businesses, especially tech startups,
and awarding for this category was gonna be hard,
until we saw this magnificent gong. I’m just honored they let me
ring it,” NWGS volunteer gong judge said.